Birth of An Angel

A few days back, I was asking myself what date to keep to remember Ezra by. See, when a mother suffers a miscarriage, we tend to hold on to every little memory that we have of the baby that we haven’t physically held. That includes the dates – the day you found out you were pregnant, the expected delivery date,  the day of the first sonogram, the day you heard a certain song on the radio that connected you, and the day that you lost your baby.

I told Cris about this because it was really bothering me and he came up with an idea: What if we commemorate the miscarriage and treat it as Ezra’s birthday? If we look at it, we did not really lose him. That was the day he became our angel… 

It was a good idea at that time and I was pacified. I loved it! We will go to church first thing in the morning, light a candle for Ezra, and say a little prayer. We will then buy him a cake and sing him a Happy Birthday.

But it turned out that it was a much bitter pill to swallow. The night before the 10th, I was crying myself to sleep. I woke up with swollen eyes, a heavy head, and a way heavier heart. The more I thought about our plans, the sillier they seemed. I was beginning to think of backing out and just crawling back to my bed and just stay there for the rest of the day.

But something clicked. It’s already been a year and I still feel the pain today as if it was still fresh. Then for some reason I got reminded of  a quote from the book Tuesdays with Morrie:

You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, “All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”

Ezra Prayer

Maybe, the pain and sadness is not really meant to go away. You never really get over a loved one’s death. The feeling just varies in magnitude; some days are just harder than the others. They do come in waves, with their crest and troughs.

But you need to be able to recognize it and acknowledge it so you can compartmentalize. There’s no way around it but through it.

Author John Green agrees with this, too: Pain demands to be felt. 

And so Dear Ezra, let Mama and Papa greet you a Happy Birthday. You still make me sad, but you’re my favorite pain that I will never want to let go.

Ezra Cake

Dear, Angel.

Today, you gave me a little sign from heaven. I was on my way home when that Jon Secada’s song played on the cab’s radio.

I haven’t told anyone this before but it was almost the same time this year, well maybe the exact moment, when the same thing happened.

And when I heard that song a year ago, it made me sad to the point of crying. At that time, I attributed it to pregnancy hormones. And nostalgia.

Two and a half weeks later, I lost you.

During my recovery, I was thinking.. A LOT. I guess it’s our normal instinct to make sense of everything by putting together pieces of memories leading up to an event.

And this is what I realized:

This song must have been your way of slowly saying goodbye.

I actually lost you before you hit your 11th week but the doctor’s diagnosis is you stopped growing at 8th.

Around this time last year…

It may just be a coincidence, but I feel it deep in my heart that it’s not.

Here I am a year after– hearing your song again. Our song. But this time, I take it as your way of saying,

Hello! How are you, Mama?

Mama’s doing fine, baby. I am writing this with a smile on my face because I know you’re in a better place now. I hope it’s ok if I chose the song for us. Because you really are my Angel… and your light will always shine.

S.O.S.

Today, I learned a hard lesson from marriage: Never be afraid to ask help from your spouse.

No matter how much you think it’ll upset him. The more you keep your problems to yourself, the more it’ll eat you up inside. And that, would ultimately translate how you interact with him daily.

The words that you uttered during the wedding ceremony aren’t just words. They are vows.

For better, for worse

For richer, for poorer

In sickness and in health

And those words should never be taken lightly.

Do not treat your spouse as your best friend only during the good times. More so, during the bad.

For who else should you keep as your uttermost confidante than the person you said these words with?