DiaTRIBE: Part 1

Human beings are curious creatures. The more I get to know them, the more I realize that they are just the same as any common animal operating in groups. They thrive in numbers and alter their behavior, from the slight to the grand, when they are with different companies.

Their collective behavior is amusing to me. The alpha would always establish dominance, and the rest will follow. The minions would most likely hold a secret contempt against the alpha but rarely do I see one truly stand up against the alpha and not care shit about what it would do to his status within group. Especially if the alpha has a Balenciaga.

Monkey see, monkey do. An old passage but still very true. Don’t we just wish that one day it’ll pertain to something positive?

In my continuous observance, they fit right into the mold of the four proposed functions of animal group behaviour, both the good and the bad:

1. Social Interaction

Studies show that animals operating in groups become highly stressed when isolated. Same is true with most humans, don’t you agree? Everyone wants to be happy but only if they belong to the happy group. If they aren’t, they immediately feel contempt towards that group. They might even form a group of their own and do everything that they can to look happier than the former happy group. They always feel the need to establish dominance.

On the other hand, some would declare that they are perfectly happy being alone. It’s part of being an intorvert, they say. But they have this nagging feeling whenever they dine out solo surrounded by couples and other groups. This, after getting a weird look from the waiter who just can’t believe that dining solo is pefectly normal. And some actually prefer it from time to time. Thus the need to declare to social media the happiness of me-time complete with a beautifully filtered flatlay.

I’m telling you. Humans are weird.

2. Protection from Predators

Who here has always thought that animals gather in group as an attempt at teamwork?

Yeah, me too.

Together we stand, divided we fall.

But have you heard about the selfish herd theory? It states that animals gather in group not because they wanted to work together but they wanted to put another individual from the pack in between him and the predator. Thus, decreasing the chances of getting hunted himself. Their natural instinct is to use a fellow herder as an anti-predatory lifevest.

Sneaky, right? Reminds you of some people you know?

Yeah. Me too.

Those who work with you not because they want to and they think you’re valuable BUT just so they’ll have someone to blame when things go to shit?

Yeah. Me too.


NOTE TO READERS: This is a diatribe meant to poke fun on the annoying people that we encounter in our lives and the weird wiring of the human psyche. These snarks’ main goal is to elicit a good-natured chuckle from even the most sensitive person who’d think that this article is all about him/her.

Any resemblance to actual persons that we mutually know and/or actual events that we both experienced may be coincidental.


 

Up Next: Enhanced Foraging and Increased Locomotion Efficiency

On Getting Older

“WHITE HAIR!”, I exclaimed rather too enthusiastically while checking my reflection in the elevator mirror.

“Why are you so excited?”, the puzzled husband asked.

“It means I’m getting old”, I answered.

“Then why are you so happy?”, he asked still puzzled.

“Because not everyone gets to be old”, I quipped.

Which is true when you think about it. We’ve all been conditioned that getting old is a bad thing, especially the ladies. White hairs, wrinkles, sagging skin, freckles, and (gasp!) expiring egg cells are some of the things that we should fight against all odds. Or just try to prolong from happening as much as we can, no biggie.

But please hear me out. Getting old is a blessing.

Every waking day that we get is every chance that we get to live our lives the way we want to – go to places we’ve never been, hug and kiss the people we love, have a good laugh with friends, read that book that’s been collecting dust in the shelf.

So rejoice if you start seeing white hairs, wrinkles, or sagging skin. These are testament of life lived.

Dial 8-Delivery

I’ve been thinking: What is it with people asking me about babies and weight gain that really, really bothers me?

This due to the fact that I attended several reunions (forced and not) over the holidays and got into the usual roast with people.

Reunions that made me realise why I’m starting to hate reunions. It’s like looking at a cracked fucked-up mirror held up straight to your face by that someone.

That someone who shouts to the world “Ang taba mo na!” even before the “Hello”.

That someone who sarcastically comments “Ah.. kaya ka pala tumataba..” on anything remotely related to weight or body measurements without even knowing about your hormonal and emotional struggles.

That someone who blatantly asks “Bakit wala pa kayong baby?” before the “How are you guys doing?”.

That someone who imposes “Dapat gumawa na kayo kase tumatanda ka na” like I’m some sort of baby manufacturer about to be bulldozed in a few months.

And that someone who has a pathological need to always reason out the miscarriage “Kaya ka siguro nakunan kase…”.

It may be a culture or a generation thing but I really find it insensitive and bordering on rude.

Weird thing is, I’ve met with friends who asked me about the miscarriage and my weight gain that did not bother me at all.

Which led me to realise that it has nothing to do with the subject of miscarriage or weight gain. It has more to do with the delivery. I felt more receptive and open to people who sounded genuinely concerned with what I’m going through compared to those who sounded mocking or even accusing.

I don’t really mind if they want to know what happened and if we’re trying again as long as it doesn’t feel like it’s an imposed requirement for a marriage. It’s so archaic it’s giving me migraine.

And what is it with people and their love for humiliation? Sometimes it’s so ingrained in their system that they don’t even realise that their idea of small talk is already humiliating someone.

I’d appreciate it better if you give me tips on the most effective diet or exercise for someone with hormonal imbalance instead of flashing your abs at me, thankyouverymuch.

Tone and timing is really essential for good communications.

Manners maketh man.