How do you keep up when you have a lingering heaviness in your heart? How do you stay afloat? How do you get past the feeling of (an impending) loss?

I’ve been asking myself these questions for the past days.. weeks.. You know that feeling between knowing and not knowing? That feeling of being trapped?

I’ve been in this limbo when I chanced upon an article about dealing with pain. It said that to cope with pain, you have to use your hands.

Your hands, not your mind.

For when you use your mind, you tend to exacerbate the pain; whereas by using your hands, you send care signs to the deepest part of you. Your hands are the antennae of your soul and by doing things, creating things… you light up your soul. For everything that is done by hand is said to be done by the heart, too.

Author John Greene wrote in one of his books: “Pain demands to be felt”. I still agree with it. But now, I also think that aside from feeling the pain, we can also opt to transform the pain into something else. Something that is of essence. Something that is, for the lack of a better word, beautiful.

I think this is the reason why I have this very strong urge to write something tonight… to channel my thoughts into words. To bare my soul out into the world even if it scares me.

Because I am in so much pain right now. I have been for the past nights, for the past weeks…

And it’s all because of…

A Safe Space

How would it feel when your safe space no longer feels safe?

Let me tell you: It is heartbreaking.

Lately, it feels like every safe space I used to have is no longer. I find myself crying over things without a constant to embrace me. I find myself being hurt about things without a constant to console me. I find myself being so scared that I have to scream my lungs out, without a constant to protect me.

I find myself reaching out to inanimate objects to keep me steady, gripping them tightly until my knuckles turn white, instead of a warm hand to squeeze through the pain and anxiety.

I find myself being very, very, very lonely…

A sorry, no matter how often it is said, is useless without change.

An I love you, no matter how often it is said, is useless if not felt.

How would it feel when your safe space no longer feels safe?

You instinctly feel the need to protect yourself. And so you build a wall to protect your peace. And so you build a wall to gain your safe space back.

A Dream

I dreamt of you.

You were sitting by the building’s stairs, not minding the dust and dirt. You were looking at your mismatched sneakers — one of green and white hues, and another of crimson and gold.

I looked at you looking at them intently, wondering what you were wondering about.

Are you thinking of him?

Is he wearing the other mismatched pair?

I tried to talk to you but as with any other dream, talking is difficult. Every form of communication happens in the mind. But you can’t seem to hear my thoughts, and I can’t hear yours. You wouldn’t even look at me.

I should just give you a call when I wake up.

For now, let me just look at you, looking at your worn down mismatched sneakers, probably thinking about him.