A Dream

I dreamt of you.

You were sitting by the building’s stairs, not minding the dust and dirt. You were looking at your mismatched sneakers — one of green and white hues, and another of crimson and gold.

I looked at you looking at them intently, wondering what you were wondering about.

Are you thinking of him?

Is he wearing the other mismatched pair?

I tried to talk to you but as with any other dream, talking is difficult. Every form of communication happens in the mind. But you can’t seem to hear my thoughts, and I can’t hear yours. You wouldn’t even look at me.

I should just give you a call when I wake up.

For now, let me just look at you, looking at your worn down mismatched sneakers, probably thinking about him.

Year Ender

I had my year end performance review with my manager today. My performance evaluation was better than I expected so it was, generally, a pleasant conversation.

One thing that makes me fearful of next year is my availability. And with this unavailability comes the fear of being out of loop and not getting involved. I highlighted this to my manager and I was reassured that with proper planning and build, we can survive my 3-month-or-so hiatus.

And then he told me this: When it comes to career and motherhood, you don’t have to choose. With proper guidance and support, working mothers don’t need to choose. Working mothers shouldn’t choose between between being a good parent and being an excellent employee.

But is it as easy as it sounds? Can we really achieve work life balance, no, work life harmony when day-in and day-out we are met with challenges that are out of our control? Challenges such as toddler tantrums and morning sickness, all while trying to ensure that we deliver our MVPs within the aligned project timelines. Unforeseen circumstances such as sudden ER rush due to a sick baby while you’re also trying to nurse your regular heartburns and the never ending feeling of throwing up that just doesn’t materialize. Worrying about your baby’s eating habits and sudden aversion to vitamins while managing a group of adults who, unfortunately, act like babies themselves.

Is it as easy as it sounds?

It may sound petty excuses for some, especially the non-mothers. Or worse… the mothers who can just miraculously pull everything off.

But the reality is, this is my reality: a feeling of being hurdled into one task after the other without the feeling of accomplisment. The feeling of being too busy but very unproductive. The feeling of being out of loop and being incompetent.

Forgive me, it’s just one of those days. I’ll feel better tomorrow when I had my morning tea and sunshine on my face.

Water for the Parched Soul

Hopped on the shower

And turned it on

The splash of hot water

Comfort it summoned

/

In the pitter patter

You stifle your scream

The splash of hot water

No longer a dream

/

They trickle down

On your sad face

With your tears and frown

Sorrow they trace

/

And you crumble down

On the cold, hard floor

With your tears and frown

You can’t ignore

/

But then you stop

And turn it off

You rise to the top

And hold it off

/

Until the next time

Until the next time…