You are a cruel, little something.

I looked at you as you stare out of the cafe’s window, mindlessly tracing your coffee cup’s lid. Your matcha latte is getting cold…

…as cold as you are right now.

I don’t know what went wrong. We’ve been seeing each other for a while now. We are so compatible in all of our interests, it’s sickeningly cute. Everyone around us is rooting for us, so what the hell happened?

I tried to trace back every event, big and small, in between the days that we were fine up until this very moment. You are casually staring at me now with a little pout on your lips.

Your lips…

“Can we talk about what happened?”

“What about?”

“The kiss.”

You gave a long, somewhat exasperated, sigh. “What is there to talk about?”

I gripped my own plastic cup — the condensation of my dark mocha frappe now dampening my hands. It felt cold to the touch…

…as cold as you are right now.

It was supposed to be a perfect night. We went out for drinks after a very late dinner. We then went over to our friend’s house to drink some more. I picked up the guitar lying about, trying to impress you with my smooth strumming and rifts. You were smiling your little, lopsided smile as you bob your head up and down to the beat.

And then you sang and I almost lost it. You were a little out of tune and out of beat, just full of confidence as you sang out incorrect lyrics to the song that I’ve loved for as long as I can remember. But alas, the antithesis of it all, coming from an anal and talented musician like me, is that I liked it.

No. I loved your singing.

And as the song slowly came to an end, we locked eyes and gravitated towards each other, leaning in for that kiss that’s a long time coming.

Our lips locked. My heart skipped a beat before it went into overdrive. I opened and closed my lips on yours, our heads moving from side to side, as if it’s a dance. We went into the all-too-familiar dance of kissing.

And in that moment, I felt your soul…

“I felt nothing…”, you say, bursting my thought bubble.

“It’s like kissing a blank piece of paper…”, you added.

It would’ve been better if you just doused me with that water that you have on the side. It looks ice cold.

… as cold as you are right now.

How can two people be in the same moment and yet experience completely opposite things? How can something that feels perfect lead to something so… mind-blowing and soul-crushing?

“But our kiss.. it felt so right..”, I reasoned still trying my best to change your mind.

“It’s just a kiss. Why do you make it sound like we had sex or something?”, you answered back, with a puzzled look on your face.

You got up and gathered your stuff. You need to go back for a meeting, you said. I got up, too, still fixated and gravitating towards everything you do. And as we went out of the cafe heading towards the steps, you looked at me with a smile on your face.

“I’ll see you around?”, you said and turned around without waiting for my answer.

You are a cruel, little something.

And as you walked farther and farther away, I felt that I’m falling even deeper and deeper…

…for you.

I find myself going to a different cafe than where we frequent to. It’s getting harder and harder now but I know that I need to get away from you, from us.

I listened intently to the song playing in this cafe — to drown out the noise, to wash away your smile. But the song talked about a love that couldn’t be, a love that shouldn’t be. So I find myself, and my thoughts, drifting towards you once more.

Yes, I’ve been thinking about you. More than I should be, more than you know. Meanwhile, you’re probably thinking about everything except me.

But it’s ok.

Let me think of you until I no longer need to.

You’re probably scribbling your way into one of your stories as you hastily  drink your cold brew. Stories that you’ve crafted in your head — part truth, part fiction, and everything you’ve dreamed about.

I wish I could read them one day.

Here I am in a busy cafe, with everyone dealing with their own day-to-days.

I put on my earphones to drown out the noise. I put on my earphones to listen to our song.

To fill the distance.

To fill the void.

I know you’re in another cafe somewhere. You’ll pensively twirl your coffee cup in between tiny sips from your hot latte.

Are you even thinking of me?

Because I am and I’ve been and I need to stop.