Affirmations

I’m proud of our little girl,

I told my husband in between washing the dishes.

This following an incident with another kid. It was all our first time to witness a kid treat our little girl a bit harshly. We were going out of the resto where we had our lunch, right after attending mass last Easter.

Bellabot was amused walking up a ramp. I did not assist her so she was mighty proud when she reached the top and clapped her hands. That’s when we saw another kid looking at us.

“Bellabot say ‘Hi!'”, I encouraged her. And in true Bellabot fashion, she eagerly waved at the kid and smiled at her. The kid slowly approached us with a glint in her eye, looking friendly. And then…

SMACK!

She hit Bella in the face, making her fall on the floor. I was shocked and all I can say was “No, baby…”, looking at the xgirl while immediately checking if our little girl is OK. She was, but looked a bit shaken.

“Bella, get up.”, I told her gently. She did and dusted of her hands.

“Strong girl?”,

I prompted which made her immediately do her strong girl pose. Despite balling her fists and raising them in front of her, despite putting on a brave face, I saw her holding back her tears.

And my heart just broke…

By then, all I can do is hug her and talk to her, looking her directly in the eyes. I know that our little girl can’t speak yet, but I know that she understands us. So I make it a point to always talk to her especially on occasions of heightened emotions. She did not cry but she did hug me tight and did not let go for a while.

And my heart just broke once more…

It took a while before she smiled again and acted like her usual self. It took a while before the red gash on her face, caused by the other’s girls smacking, disappeared. It took a while but she turned out fine. The day ended with her enjoying our grocery shopping — it was also her first time to ride the grocery cart, something that both my husband and I have been looking forward to do once she’s able.

“I’m proud of you, too…”,

my husband told me before kissing my forehead. He then told me how amazed he was at how calm I handled the whole situation, how good I am with Bellabot and around the house, and how I have changed for the better.

I felt warm all over. I realized that I, too, needed my strong girl affirmation.

Kindled Spirit

The initial idea of buying a Kindle got my eyes rolling to ceiling and back. My sister, who can’t shut up about hers, has been bugging me for months to get one. And for months, I refused.

Why? Because of all the familiar reasons: I love the physicality of books — the smell, the flipping of pages, the weight, the cover art, even the act of going inside a bookstore and choosing what to buy.

However, it came to a point where the very reasons I love reading are the very reasons that kept me from reading.

Being a working mom, the only real me time that I have is in the evenings, while I’m putting my baby to sleep. Before the baby, I have successfully limited my mindless phone scrolling before going to bed, my social media screen time, and feeling sorry for myself because all my friends have these fantastic lives.

But when you have a baby latched on to you in the middle of the dark, with nothing but your nightlight and your phone, it’s inevitable to fall back into old, bad habits. It did not get out of hand but it got me bored. It got me so bored that it got me irritable when my baby is having a hard time sleeping. So, ignoring my sister’s “I told you so” triumphant smile, I succumed and got myself one. 

It’s a pre-loved Paperwhite 4 10th Gen in black, but still works perfectly. Not a dent or a scratch.

It turned out to be one of my best purchases of 2021!

And it actually got me out of my reading hiatus hibernation. In just a span of 5 months, I was able go read 12 books in total! My Goodreads is active once more and I found myself enjoying writing book reviews.

As much as I love the whole experience of reading an actual book, my Kindle gave me the thing that I need the most right now that no other book can: convenience

Most importantly, it got me back to one of my favorite hobbies: reading.

It’ll take a while before I start reading an actual book again. Aside from the light limitation, I can’t bring myself to think about crumpled and/or torn pages courtesy of the litol one’s very curious hands. So for now, I’m thankful that I have my Kindle with me.

22 Minutes to 2022

Letting go and taking full control of myself — this is my mantra for 2022.

I’m letting go of all the junk — junk in my mind, junk in my body, and junk in my soul. For anything that festers in the mind will manifest in the body and will eventually destroy the soul.

I need to guard my thoughts. I need to accept that  some will hurt you but it doesn’t mean that you need to hurt them back. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just walk away. For sometimes, fighting for something, asking questions, and seeking answers will do more harm than good. 

I need to refocus on my well-being. I’ve come this far and I don’t want it to be all for nothing. I remember when I was so disciplined because I was motivated, and I was motivated because I was disciplined. I’ve slipped but it doesn’t mean that I can’t get back on track.

I need to protect my soul. For once the soul is crushed, it’ll be hard to find yourself again. It happened to me once; I don’t want it to happen again. I need to remind myself that my happiness should not be the cause of someone’s grief. And that my triumphs should not be considered by anyone as their loss. I can’t be sorry all the time.

This may sound bleak but it’s actually hopeful. This may sound selfish but it’s actually self-preservation.